I don't know if anyone still comes here, seeing that it has been neglected for quite some time now... but all that is to change, as I now have internet in my new place!! Alhamdulillah!!!
It has been a month since I've left Dundee... I wasn't as sad as I thought I would be when I drove out of Dundee, out of Scotland, into England and into my new kampung Rochdale. I guess it was because all my friends have already left with the exception of NB... Or perhaps I have secretly been waiting for that very moment to happen... Five years of mental preparation was definitely enough for that ordeal!! ;p
A month since being here, short of a month from starting work, and living with someone again, and making new friends, and learning how things work in a new place... And last and not least, learning a whole new lingo again!! (I speak funny now, and patients don't understand me all the time, I hear my brain telling itself to speak ENGLISH.. lol) And... it has been a month, to get used to being called "Doctor"..
I hear myself asking this question lots, and I get asked it lots too... Variations include, "How's work?" "How are you coping?"
My answer is: Work is tiring!!!
Oh My God!!!
Despite my four months shadowing period, it doesn't quite prepare me for my actual work, in a new place with a whole lot of different systems... Having to use your brain really does drain you...
I thought I was managing fine for the first couple of days - only for my registrar (2nd big boss) to tell me on a later day that she thought I'd take months to get to grips with things because I seem to be "struggling"... Damn right I was... Left to my own devices to look after 24 patients, barely knowing any of them and I'm expected to know if 1. patient A pooed this morning. 2. what patient B's CRP level was. 3. Has OT/PT/SW decided on a package for patient C. and other ridiculous questions like that...
Then there are on-calls... I suppose I can be considered 'lucky' sebab as an F1 (yes guys - that's my job description) in this tiny lil hospital (In Brunei terms it's probably like the hospital in KB) I'm not expected to do nights... So on-calls are just 'long' days really... 8am till 8.30pm...
My first weekend as a doctor... My-oh-my am I glad that I did that really horrendously tiring block in January... That helped me lots and lots!!! In the admission ward, there were lots of sickies!!! 1 was vomitting fresh blood in front of my very eyes and needed the theatre ASAP. A second patient came in with a platelet count of like almost 0... *gasp* and the one I found toughest was patient 3. When I'm on-call, as an F1, I cover the wards too...
I was enjoying my lunch when I got bleeped that patient 3 was short of breath, and will I come to review him please... Didn't sound urgent... The main nurse called me herself.. So I walked over... I arrived into the scene, and there are four staffs round the patient, who is puffing and huffing away and all eyes are on me "What do you think Doctor?"
Suddenly, I don't quite want that title... I long to be the student who becomes the runner... I had to decide what treatment I wanted to give... And what investigations I wanted... I thought I have managed fine, the patient was improving ever so slightly, but things got beyond my capabilities... Something which is honed well into my head - Get Senior Help early on!!! =) So that was what I did.. And what a relief to get senior cover... Thank God!!! Pass the buck, and move along swiftly... Onwards to niggly things like "speaking to family members as to what I think is happening to their loved on and what I think the prognosis is"...
But that's not bad just yet...
My worst day so far has been when I'm on my own in the ward for the whole shift.. that's 9-5... (but of course I didn't get to go home at 5... I had to go home at 7, with things to do the next day..) That's me looking after 24 patients, with at least 6 nurses wanting me to do things for them... Calls to do... Bloods to take, results to review, letters to dictate and you name it...
Prioritisation is one of the most important skills that we F1s are required to have in order to "survive" this new life we embark... And wasn't that just the day when I had to employ MY prioritisation skills...
I can assure you, it was no easy task when you have people coming from your front, back and flanks asking you if you can do something for them... For God's sake, I am on my own, I only have one brain, two hands and two feet. The last time I took a break was 5 hours ago, that was to go pee... Give me a break!!! PLEASEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeee....
Sadly, I lost it!!! I completely lost it... I didn't cry... I just spoke to the nurses and expressed my frusturation and stress!!! You'd have thought they cared... But they didn't really... They gave you a minute, then came back, answered back that they're working harder than you are (despite them getting DEFINITE breaks!!) and that you should do the jobs they've just asked... No disrespect to anyone... I'm not the best... Like I said, I did lose it.. It was uncool... But me, under pressure to please everyone... was impossible!!! Note to self: have some empathy to others next time...
But it's not all bad... Some days you have 5 doctors in the ward... And you finish your jobs by lunch time... Or you have days when you're in clinics, and then it seems sitting on your arse speaking to 10 patients isn't too bad... And then, this is when you know you're very stressed, when you enjoy that weekly, boring teaching sessions for all F1s which send you off to sleep... because at least you get to sit on a chair, go to the toilet and have something to drink... Then, all is well and smiles (or snores)...
And of course... At the end of the month, you get paid too!!! Yes guys.. I have indeed got my first significant pay cheque ever!!! I was ever so excited to rip it open, and the seniors were cute and had a little party for my excitement!!! lol...
Life isn't all that bad... Let's hope I persevere, and that life gets better... As our manager said to one of us who was explaining why she was stressed, "It's the life you chose"... So much for "we have an open door policy. Feel free to speak to us with regards to any problems." It's all character building!!! ;p
Lots of love,
FR
xx
3 comments:
Yeah, ditto babe ditto. Now m all up for retiring! *BIGGEST HUGS FROM KETTERING* I have many wise advice from people and i'll pass it on to you:
1. Accept. Accept that we can't do everything. Accept that shit happens (as much as we dont want it to and we try it not to happen).
2. Be kind to yourself.
REPEAT...Be kind to yourself.
3. Vent frustration/stress in something...anything. Retail therapy (oh yeah!), exercise, anything.
4. Senior help, senior help, senior help.
And this is from me: You do have a right to feel upset and stressed. Pointing out that this is the life we choose does not make us feel any better. Vent it out, and do not EVER feel that you should not feel upset/stressed.
And everytime i try to remember that we're doing a good thing here. Remember our niat and insyaAllah somehow it will lighten our burden.
Anyway this is for you just as it is a reminder for me. I'm a wreck myself. I'm slowly (or rapidly?) losing it, so if it makes you feel better, you're not alone in feeling like shit! :)
Most importantly, remember ayat from surah Al insyirah:
Verily with hardship comes ease, verily with hardship comes ease.
As my brother said, Allah never lies. So we have to believe that things WILL get better...
(even though right now i believe that things can never get better. but chin up! chin up!)
dearest fetty,
working life was not kind to me in my first few months either. My very first day, i struggled to put a line in and then was approached by a nurse about 30mins later that the torniquet was left ON the patient's arm. First week, I was asked to put a male catheter in, n i couldnt do it. First month, i was told that i was being TOO SLOW and JUST NOT FAST ENOUGH... Things will be thrown to u that will make u doubt ur capability and challenge ur sanity... However, trust me Fets, things WILL get better. YOU will become better. Its acceptable to be 'bad' in the first few months. Namanya jua BARU keraja. Hehehe. All the best Fets. But yes, yang penting hati ikhlas kan tolong patients. Allah gave us the gift to heal, so use it wisely.
Fet! I missed you.. Slalu ku pigi ur blogspot tapi jarang update. I guessed that u were busy. Bawa bersabar and you will get use to your job, dun worry.. Wish you all the best k! Miss yah!!! and happy fasting! :)
-alep
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